when morning comes

as the sun will rise to another day
and morning breeze will kiss your skin
may the view be like the ocean bay
and waves of laughter won't just be a dream

when you wake up to hear the sound of my voice
followed by a sweet gentle kiss brushing your lips
make no mistake there wouldn't be unnecessary noise
looking at you is such a view i really don't want to miss

may the early morning be a special moment
that i know in my heart that is not a lie
thus taking this chance for forever to meant
and that nobody can ever deny

this is you day i know it's true
for my heart speaks only of you
and in my arms forever you shall lie
to kiss and be with you till the day i die.

excerpt from the girl in the swing

how should i seek anything so trivial as comfort?
i would incur any condemnations just to lie
should i seek solace? even for the pain of loss
could i even bear to look you in the eye and cry?

as my pretensions end- so as my demented drive
where i saw reality in all of this foretold tale
cast in the shadows beyond something terribly stale
falling deeply from morn till noon up to the dewy eve

and as resentment eats every inch of my rotting body
the unbearable suffering seems to subside and concealed from shame
thus the chapter of this lonely story shall cease
but the memory of longing may haunt me even in dreams.~

longing

i thought that i could see it with my own eyes
and feel it as i touch it with my bare hands
but if fate has conspired not for it to be true
then i'll spend my waking days waiting for you

please do not read

little by little its beginning to engulf yourself...as you try to make a fool out of yourself pretending to be someone else who in turn really doesn't make you happy but you think will be acceptable to others...such stupidity sometimes happen..shit do happens. but nevertheless we try and cope up with the changes that the tides bring. people try to view something from their dreams and try to discriminate the real world for not having to see something that they saw, felt and want from their dreams...for their lives are driven by fantasy.i'm not saying that having a dream is wrong. what i mean is - living a dream would not be a bad idea...but do not discriminate the world for being so cold. you don't own the world for crying out loud, you're just visiting, same as i am. we have our own purpose here, we may not be here for so long yet we must do what we are capable of doing, but, be wise, for all your actions have consequences..you have to be responsible for your own actions...

grabbing the opportunity for life to start anew, that would be great, i would have lived my life differently but i may miss the people who have crossed the path that i previously chose so in turn i may wished that i should have stayed on this track,whatever life hinders to block my path i don't care, as long as things that i'm used to are there, it doesn't matter...they are there...i can spend my life to the fullest, i accepted my fate. if dying today will be my destiny who knows.. my only regret is that if i die, i only hope that i may have the chance to say goodbye to those i will be leaving behind.

--in times when my sorrow comes i want you to guide me in a way that my life would not be left astray.

looking through a dead end.

have you ever look back at the things that been quite bugging you recently?

i know i have traveled this world as much as my feet goes..

you have too...

and what bothers me is that for every step i make...

i started to notice that the things that were so close to me are beginning to fall out of place..

though subconsciously you're losing the important things in your life one by one.. its doesn't stop there..

it persist like some kind of obsessive psychopath trying to murder someone due to some worship-like adoration of sorts..

but hope still lingers somewhere...

in the farthest corner of my mind i know a light may shine..

it should be there..

but why?

to save me?

to find my way home?

maybe to end it all...

i don't know..

the madness is still inside that i would have to force my way out of it for a while or maybe some distraction would help.

being busy, listening to some crap... reading a timeless novel...

listening to music to soothe your soul...

there are millions of things left to be done...

if your mind can't cope up with changes..

you might as well be dead.

for you are useless..

i don't blame you though.,..

i know we all have purposes here on this planet.

you may not know what it suppose to be for you don't ask.

the greatest foolishness of a man is not asking about things..

they rely on ignorance as an escape goat for their foolishness

if they want to learn...

it is better to ask.

my thoughts are floating now..

my mind skips from one topic to another,,,

it is meant to be that way..

nobody forces you to keep on reading....

yet you still do.

you are like me..

you thrive for this nonsense.

you want closure on things you know that not worth your time...

and you've wasted enough time already...

only to find that the ending...

is not yet through....

silence is inevitable

wired against the wall

with its thorns wrapped around me

i'm kept still no way to move at all

bound by silence yet it still flows in me

shall i write to you my love?

is it lost fallen somewhere in the ground?

am i being punished from above?

or am i just waiting to be found?

untie my burden that kept me from returning

one last time, it's you that i shall be haunting

memories from deep inside are still hurting

it seems to be silent yet its clearly shouting

in vain shall i be mourning

can't help for tears to fall

i'm rolling, tossing and turning

in the end, does it matter at all?

now i hide in masks of different hue

only to be found that i'm hurting just like you

shall i cease to exist if i fail to remember

or will i forget and make it prosper

i am complicated that i know

it's all i am, got nowhere to go

if i find a piece of my conscience

shall i make it whole finding its essence?

though i know you have stopped me before

from raising my voice to end your stupidity

alas you have heard me well and with vigor

i'll slap you with words but with no profanity

i can still write my name in a shore

the tides may washed it away but at least i'm relieved

i know i have done it before

so i still have to believe...

dreaming of endless silence so it seems..

i can either run away as darkness dims

run and never look, for something is lurking in the dark

until i find the courage to stay and fight my way back.

this will be the beginning of another day

for tomorrow i will fight and seize it anyway

but in reality i know i'm just drifting away..

drifting away...

drifting away.

the tune of the wind

come at me..

feel me breathe...

embrace my body as your caress my soul...

lift me up and then let me go...

take my woes, take my sorrows...

leave them be beneath the gallows...

and soon my mind will be free

as the wind will carry me.

On sadness, pretention and faith

seeking my memories
from this vast ocean of sadness
following the waves of lies..
in the end i was alone

the time that i'm drifting
and shaking from coldness
i feel numb and blue
should i wait for you

this time i'll find
the memories left behind
this time i'll find
the truth beneath all these lies

in time i will find..
in time i will be fine.,
so wait for me..
this time.

=========================

the memories shaking from all the lies that you keep
should i worry for every moment that you speak?
that for every word i hear from you i cry... i weep
mourning each time cause i know deep down i'm weak

still i listen, i know my heart wont break
but in every time in every way my heart aches
the sorrows i'm reaping i know i must endure
ill stay strong for me to find the cure

it's past midnight and still i'm awake
should i sleep now for my sake?
i feel shallow and empty at the end of the day
hoping this feeling would go away

why do i lie everyday to people i meet?
pretending i'm alright when i know i'm not
should i smile and speak every time i greet?
wasting this moment that i should keep

=============================

i am a great pretender
i know what i am
i wear mask of different emotions
to hide what i feel
for them to stay away

am i wrong for disbelieving
these thoughts that haunt me when i am sleeping
should i wake on time and start preparing
for i know in time that i should be really leaving,.

==================================

come find me, i am lost
in this vast horizon of dreams
i look for the one who can see me
in reality or so it seems..

come look for me, i'm still here
i've got nowhere to run and i'm not hiding
i stay standing still and waiting
they seem so far and blurry yet so near and clear

go forward and don't look behind
for i know deep inside i'll survive
keep on searching and you will find
the reason for me to be alive.

in this moment all seems to be so clear
i know for one all will be near
the search for truth i am still looking
no matter where i look ill be back here.

mending sorrows in stillness of the night

here i am once again
thinking aloud as if in pain
finding answers to questions i presume
will take more time not a minute too soon

shall i make my own decisions?
or keep on prying for others opinions?
would i find a way out of here
i feel lost looking for a way in

still i search for truths beneath the lies
in moments of trials i endure and lie
saving up some strength to go on learning
keeping promises to the one whose deserving

to say what i think is right
and hide the secrets i keep
towards the sunlight i await
in darkness where my dreams sleep

finding serenity while being alone
through repentance of sins that i atone
for the hearts i did once broke
slap my conscience till it woke

to everyone who knows this
i shout my praises to you
to some who feels the same
i share the compassion you feel too

goodbye my almost lover

should i expect the pieces to fall into place?
or should i let them take another course?
shall i remove that sad look on your face?
for you to hurt me again without remorse?

maybe i could stay here by your side
for you to be happy and see your smile
i will fight the waves and break the tide
for me to get to you even just for a while

but all of this were of no use to you
for the feelings that i own have no value
warped by the idea of you loving me too
and the sad reality that my time is due

i wait for some time for these feelings to subside
tranquility didn't come no matter how hard i've tried
i pity myself for being weak and useless
for now i leave myself numb and in distress

so goodbye my almost lover, i hope this is the last
if ever you found my letter i hope you wont let it pass
as much as i want this not to end but i know it wont do
for being with me is the least that you want to

*i have made this entry last sept. 9, 2009 at 12:37pm

Mga naiwang agam agam ng nakaraan (unang buslo..sablay)

habang naghahalungkat ako ng mga dadalhin ko para sa volunteer duty ko, kagabi ay may mga hindi sinasadya akong nakitang mga dokumento na kung aking sisipating mabuti ay ating malalaman na ito ay mga kasinungalingang lamang (okok) haha

ito ang aking nakalap na impormasyon ukol sa nasabing mga kasinungalingan (okok).

mga pananaw ukol *sa akin* mula sa aking kamag-aral ng ikaapat na antas sa haiskul.

POSITIBO

-magaling sa math -4
-good friend -2
-mabait -27
-nanlilibre
-kalog -4
-palatawa-2
-nakakatuwa -4
-"gentleman"
-tahimik -9
-marunong sa klase/matalino -7
-"thoughtful"-2
-magaling mag-drawing
-madaling pakisamahan/kausapin/pakiusapan -7
-magaling magcounter-strike
-masayahin-2
-matulungin-3
-simple-3
-palabiro
-di madamot
-oks lang-4
-understanding
-makulit-3
-kwela
-totoong kaibigan-2
-friendly-5
-masayang kasama
-may sense of humor -2
-ok/kwelang kasama
-cool
-mapagbigay
-sweet
-cute
-swabeng sumayaw


NEGATIBO
-pikon-4
-mapang-asar-7 (sc ng isa: pero ok lang)
-nasa loob ang kulo-2
-torpe* -4
-wala -5 = (sidecomment ng isa: technicolor kasi yan)
-kumag
-mayabang
-no comment -6
-madaldal
-makulit -3
-mabait ba o madamot ka? (confused?)/ i don't know
-masungit
-nakakapikon kapag nangaasar ng wala sa lugar
-mahilig manghiram di naman binabalik*
-careless*
-baboy sa sarili*
-tamad habambuhay*
-1 drug addict*
-minsan corny
-nagpadala ng bastos na text message (sc: haha naalala ko to wrong send e)
-bungisngis
-tamad magkulay(sa drawing)
-di kami masyadong close/di pa kilala
-"seryoso"
-minsan weird

*galing sa iisang tao lang(laki ata ng galit sakin nitong taong to haha)

**Ibang sidecomment na mahaba at hindi bullet-type**
~"Tahimik siya nang unang dating pero ng tumagal ay nahawa rin. Maingay na ngayon. Hindi gaanong mayabang slight lang. madali siyang pakiusapan kapag mabait ka sa kanya, kung hindi 'Better luck next time'". "SIMPLE - totoy MAGISIP"
~"Mabait. Okey makisama. matalino. Simple lang! Sometimes nakakatakot magalit kasi masyadong mabait! But infairness ha, bagay kayo ni *****! Uuuy! That's all!!"
~"mabait!!?, thoughtful! grabe di kita mareach!.. keep up 'd good work. no comment la ko ma-say..."
~"cute ka kaso you don't know how to yourself as a grown up man. sweet ka rin sana but you always put it in a way of 'biro' And ang pinaka naaappreciate ko sa'yo is yung pag-a-approach mo sa'kin parati, yung pagpapangiti mo sa'kin."
~"ikaw, alam mo ang lakas mong mang-asar at talagang pikon na pikon na ko sayo. ang sarap mong sapakin 'pag nang-aalaska ka. Pero nakikita ko sa'yo mabait ka at mapagbigay at saka masarap kasama."

naweirduhan ako sa mga nagsabi na ako ay "smiling face" parehong meron sa positibo at negatibo pa (doh)


may 2 kasunod pa to. baka sakaling sipagin ako e gawan ko na lang ng scanned image yung 2. kasi mas convinient (okok) pero kayo na ang maghusga kung totoo ba ito o kathang isip lamang.
(pwede magpascan sa inyo? haha)

revealing the truth to ourselves, isn't that bitter-sweet?

on roses, sunflowers and morning glories.

i stumble across a flower garden in my dreams. there i saw a rose. it reminded me of someone i knew. i knelt down and plucked it. i breathed its fragrance. it surely do remind me of her. a voice asked me "does its thorns hurt you?" i answered "if i had been aware of it's thorns, maybe i wouldn't plucked it" "did you regret plucking it?" the voice asked again -"letting go of this rose would rend my heart with pain worse than a wound . oozing fresh blood from my hand, thus i am unable to let go.."
"but wouldn't it be better if you let the rose keeps it place in the soil? where she can grow more into a beautiful flower far more greater than it was before you plucked it out. by now it would soon lose its fragrance and beauty for its life and beauty were taken away from it at the time you have plucked it from the ground." the voice said as it left me wondering and the scenes have changed.

the scenery change and then found myself surrounded by sunflowers everywhere. i overheard one of them talking to the sun. "am i worth the wait?" asked the sun, "i'll wait for you." calmly said the sunflower. "won't you regret it? maybe im not worth all the trouble.." said the sun, " i will always gaze towards you with neither hate nor regret," "even through strong winds and heavy rain, i will continue to look up to you with a smile. patiently bearing the pain, while i wait for you to shine for me once more. for i will never ever feel any regret." was the last words that the sunflower has said before i was then warped to another place..

then i saw her. she was sitting by the riverside. smiling happily as i come near her. i retell her all the things that i had encountered upon my way to meet her. she listened to me attentively. not murmuring or interrupting me while i talk. she just smiled warmly. she then said something after i finished telling the story with a question "do you regret something?" i answered "not a thing. i never regret breaking the rules and being doomed to eternity for making me get to know you and express my inner most feelings of love and affection to you my dear" "it is all worth it." "but we haven't got much time," "we only had a day to meet up and spend time together, and that is all. everything will be back to the way it used to be." she reminded me. i answered "cherish me and i will cherish you, it won't be as hard and lonely anymore." a bright light shone above us. "guess it is time." she said. "i know," i replied. we hugged and kiss till the moment when we both came to be. i once again warped back to the other side of the river as she stayed on her side, being flowers of morning glories that was cursed upon us when we broke the law for having ourselves prove our love for each other. the winds blew silent and the sun sets quietly into the horizon as we stay for another year and wait for the time for us to meet once more.

on goodbyes, moving on and the drops of rain.

i forgot what day is it, was it even a night? i tried asking myself that question. it didn't matter now. what matter was the moment that happen that faithful time. so how can i start something that was never meant to begin with now?

as i stood still, momentarily preoccupied by the noise of a thousands or maybe millions of rain drops as it falls on the roof, the trees, the hard pavement and on the palm of my hand. "i love the rain." someone used to tell me that when it rains it makes her happy. how i loved and treasured every single conversation that we had during those rainy days. "i love raining too, cause it makes you feel happy and i'm happy whenever you're happy." such an interesting thing to say. i meant every word, these are some of the interesting things and moment that i had treasured and will now become part of my memory. in time i will forget this, i know, for it will be replaced by another memory. a much more suitable one. but it didn't mean that it will be forgotten for that's a hard thing to do.

a time to end it all and start moving again.
-nothing is permanent in this life, we have to enjoy it while it is still there. i took every chance i get and make it as if i will never feel it again tomorrow. we all struggle to find something worthwhile and we do almost anything just to keep it. wrap it around with our arms so tight and not letting it go. guarding it so as no one would dare take it away. letting go is a hard thing to do. but like a bird who would start exploring the world and ready to spread its wings for it to fly. it needs to let go, away from it's comfort zone. it's not an easy task to begin with but it is not impossible to do. you need to put your best foot forward and start moving one step at a time. making baby steps as you go along and before you know it you are miles away from your comfort zone. parting ways is something that we need to prepare and will do eventually. we have to accept that everything is not permanent in this world. there will come a point in our life that you would feel that you need to move ahead and go forward and be away from any limited sensibilities where you are now and start making a new chapter in your life and open up new possibilities and welcome new experiences which will mold who you are from what you used to be.

-moving on the account of rain.
it started raining again as i'm laying the last few lines of this story. suddenly i felt like i like the rain, no, rather i'm starting to love it. not just it reminds me of how you love it but because i too have began to understand its worth. its like the story of a raindrop leaving its cloud. as it bravely say its final goodbyes to the cloud then proceeded to jump as high and into the horizon away from the cloud that it used to call home. it floats in the air, starting to wonder how much has it has been missing being inside the cloud that shelters it for so long and now as the droplet like any other droplet like him or her falls down embracing the wind that envelopes its entirety. as it plunges its way down to the earth , making time stands still as it views the horizon in a way that he had never seen before and prepares for the finale, the acceptance that good things never last as it kiss the pavement that he will now call home.

~ciaosu

emotions are like wild horses

"tell me everything"



"i'll respect whatever your decision you make, even if this is good-bye."



"i may not know you that well; i mean, i don't know exactly who you are, but i know who you're not. And you haven't been yourself all night."*



there may be things that you've told me that i don't believe but i know that's true and it might be impossible to explain why, for life is complicated..



emotions are like wild horses.. they are untamed and free... but being untamed shouldn't be the way it is.. we should take control over it and not be control by it.



for one only understand the things that one tames..



should i let you go as it is? or should i tame you and let you tame me too?


Or do i should let you roam free? the way you should be..

*excerpt from brida - paolo coelho

forever and after

my dearest,

i've missed you very very much since the last time we shared time together..its been etched in my memory that i know i will treasure for as long as i had lived..

i've been turning it over and over in my mind lately.
knowing that those times were the happiest and memorable memory that i will cherished.


i've reread our messages for at least four times now, i'd probably read it more times before im through.

i've been sitting here...looking at your picture, getting more humps like every minute. can't barely explain how such a simple thing can mean so much to me..

i've really wanted that picture more than anything else, as of this moment...well not probably more than yourself to be here instead.


i've been thinking about you my love..


i keep on wishing i could be with you.

i wanted to leave here in the worst possible ways, just so i could be with you..

but things don't look too good as of yet.. i know i did some things that made you feel bad and spoiled what used to be a good bond between us..for that i apologize..

i never been so lonesome in my life as i am right now..

im completely lost without you my love..

i never realized i could ever missed a person so much,

i dont know how much longer should till im able to be with you again my love ...

for me to tell you personally that i miss and love you...

Do i really need to do blog updates?

as i sit here in front of the pc, contemplating on what im gonna do..aside from responding to some plurk posts or checking out my facebook and tagged account...i suddenly remember my blog...so what would i put in here right now?

should i post my sketch of dionisia pacquiao?

or should i tell you about my day?

~> journal entry # i dont know anymore, the date is may 11, 2009, monday, i woke up to the sound of laughter coming from outside..i reckon it's my brother probably watching whose line is it anyway from our pc..i shrugged, then do some stretchings while still in bed. then i got up...went to the toilet do some morning rituals...check to see what's going on and then my sister asks if i want to go to the mall..it might be out of boredom or the urge to go somewhere besides home so i said yes, knowing that by the next 20 minutes or so im starting to hate going through it..it rained hard and the traffic is bad..i went there and the mall is crowded by so many people and then we stroll around and bought sandals for my nephew and then eat at 4pm..my first meal of the day...then they went to get some groceries (i think this is the time when i am enlightened about my purpose of being there..im the errand boy darn..) so needless to say i still tagged along cursing to myself for forgotting my wallet, for if i got it i may go home a bit early...but nonetheless im still there and i have to do it. so after the agonizing time of going around picking something putting it in the cart,and the touble of waiting in a long line to pay for it we hail a cab then proceed to go home where i sat in a back and tried to sleep for the duration of the drive home..only to get woken up just when i get my groove to sleep cause we're near our home...so bummer...and i waited till i got my turn on using the pc. then here i am.


so what to do now?


maybe i should write a poem:

~ i wish to be near you
how i wish i was there
there's nothing i can do
to show you that i care

my words can't reach you
no matter how hard i try
i hope you know it's true
i'd rather die than just lie

.... i still think of you i hope you know that...it may be silly but i know its true for forever maybe there waiting for me to decide my fate...i sit and wait...waiting still...only to find out in the end that it is all too late...

**i posted this on my multiply blog last

May 11, '09 4:12 PM

just so you know :P

po- po-po-pokwang face

i really dont know why people re going gaga for lady gaga..

im not that fond of her songs for i only see her one time on the american idol recently..wearing something that i think is utterly ridiculous and the performance is somewhat annoying... i mean it started as a mellow with her playing the piano to one of her hits "poker face".


i thought about "i see so this is the -poker face- thinggy that i've been hearing about on plurk etc." then she started to seize*, then it became somewhat disturbing for her to repeat it in the midst of playing the piano. then came the dancing and i stopped watching cause i got annoyed..

someone may ask what does pokwang has to do with this?
i dont know i think they resemble each other (lmao)

see picture for reference:

i crush you... i think i heart you na rin. lol

i stumble across one time playing an online game wherein all you have to do is just point and click your mouse and some functions such as webcam capture and mic at some point... its an easy game...just point and click..hehe got a little trouble at the stairs stage and the room with the mad man...hehe cant figure it out so i use the skip button hehe.

anyway Hotel 626 is an online video game experienced from "your" point of view that begins with you waking up in your hotel room in the middle of the night hearing strange noises. You get out of bed, enter the hallway and from there, you're required to go through a series of scary-ass experiences (as challenges) in order to get yourself out of the hotel.

the one stage here at hotel626.com that i really like is the room about the girl in the bathroom :P

she looks really nice



see just like an ordinary worm baby... *shy type pa ata hehe*


then after a series of dragging and point clicking away comes this



then as time goes by and if you are really lucky capturing a piece of her ,,,,eventually she'll weaken.,she hates flashes of lights...*poor vitamin D absorption due to lack of sunshine exposure since a baby i assume*



i believe you really should capture her perfect smile...



ohh....so close...how about another one..

nearly there....




oh...lets try it again without the freaking hand and cam on the way ,,,,



there you go, aw... i am singing the BEAM toothpaste jinggle while looking at her.
*insert BEAM toothpaste jinggle here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6el4YxAgUQo&feature=related this is not the real tv ad for beam toothpaste.


here is another snap shot of her perfectly tartar and plaque filled decaying teeth


aw with matching pose. kawaii..

a little heads up

recently i've been busy. yeah i kinda got the hang out being in plurk and enjoying some of the games in facebook(*though im certainly missing out on my bulletins in friendster ) anyway. i miss blogging too. hehe and as far im people am concern (*though im not really that sure*) i would like to return back to blogging by next week. hehe and hopefully i would be back with lots of updates and rants about who, what, when, where, how and why of watever comes into my mind.

and just so you know i started doing sketches again and if ever get it scanned i will upload it here for your viewing pleasure hehe

till then.

~ciaosu

literary therapy

i think this is one way of releasing stress and emotions of all sorts.. i urge one of my friend to write some poems and other lit work and i would provide the means of sharing it out to other people. and here is one of the poem that my friend wrote.


UNTiTLED
by tifa

iM GONNA SLEEP CRYING
DREAM SMiLiNG
WAKE UP HOPiNG,
THAT LATER YOU'LL BE CALLiNG.
THEN WE'LL BE TALKiNG
BOTH ARE EYES WiLL BE STARiNG
AFTER THAT, WE'LL BE KiSSiNG
FOLLOWED BY US HUGGiNG.
THEN YOU'LL BE PROMiSiNG
THAT YOU'LL NEVER BE LEAViNG
FOREVER YOU'LL BE STAYiNG
FOR YOUR LOVE iS UNDYiNG.
THEN i STARTED WAKiNG
FROM MY WiSHFUL THiNKiNG
SLOWLY REALIZiNG
THAT iM JUST iMAGiNiNG
THE SMiLE'S DiSAPPEARiNG
CHEST iS HURTiNG.
MY EYES ARE SWELLiNG,
TEARS STARTED FLOWiNG


*comments, reactions and reflections are welcome and would be entertained.

blogging

i wonder how other people manage their time everyday when it comes to blogging...
i for one has a no schedule rule when it comes to blogging. i blog when i want, for what i want. it all depends on the mood im in. im not used to make my blog like my online diary..diaries are meant to be personal.. and others use it as a tool for therapy. its like a tol for them to have self realization or self reflection. and then comes the matter of how i use it. hmmm i stop for a minute to think of good enough reason why i keep writing stuffs that i know and didn't know would be viewing a few minutes, hours, days or for how long until they can reach something just to waste time reading. it makes my head aches more to think about the pros and cons of online blogging.. im not even promoting or endorsing any products or places wherein i can earn money, nor am i producing any great stories of different genres for people to read. i didn't provide people with useful information about anything nor would i produce reviews for works related in literature arts and film. then why do i still use the space for blogging? why am i wasting my time letting my fingers fly and stroke out keys in rhythm that i barely knew with lyrical nonsense and with lots of typographical errors which just add loads of nonsense to doesnt even affect the world wide web.

and it all came down to two words.





" just cause."

where are the clowns?

please send in some clowns...

last memory of rainfall on a gloomy monday

Its been raining for quite some time this week. so much rain that it makes all moods gloomy and i feel so restless. i can hear my phone ringing. i know its her. the pattern can now be counted as a routine now. she called and said she was coming here. it was the third time this week so i noticed. i know arguing would not help for i know she was already there waiting. in a gloomy rainy monday, i picked up my black umbrella and went up to the nearest 7-11 in my block. she was waiting outside holding her red umbrella. she said her friend had dropped her off. it was raining still and the wind blows every now and then and i can see her shriveling in the cold wind's air. she looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing clothes not enough to keep her warm.

i walked up to her and said, "you shouldn't come here to see me anymore" and other stuff like how we shouldn't be together.

but she answered me with those three words and said, "I miss you."

i put it aside and told her coldly,"lets go, i'll take you home now."

she didn't open up her umbrella, its like i can see in her eyes how she wished to share just one umbrella.

i said, "open up your umbrella, we're going."

unwillingly, she opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. she tried to speak up, hesitated but then said that she hadn't eaten up lunch or anything yet and asked if we can go somewhere to eat.

right away I answered with a stoned heart, "no!"

with a disappointed look on her face she asked me to take her to the train station instead. she said she would just ride the train back home. i didn't nod or answer and just drove my way to the train station and the conversation ended.

maybe it was the rain, or i didn't notice that it was just rush hour but the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. we waited for quite some time and waited still. then i glimpsed at her only to found out hat she is looking at me innocently. being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. i can understand how she felt coming all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. with her soft eyes staring at me, i can feel the guilt eating me that it nearly wanted me to speak to her to stay up for the night.

but reality struck again and i coldly told her, "let's go try the other train station."

as we were driving to the next station a flashback crossed my mind. we were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. back then there are four of us that got along well. most of the the time we would enjoy doing the same activities like eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go out camping. we were more like a family, but it didn't occur to me that i would end up falling for her. it happened during the last year of college, having lived together under the same roof for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. but after she graduated, she went back home while i stayed for one more year to finish school. but it didn't stopped me from seeing her even though i know that taking a long trip by means of train is the only way of being with her. though we only met for brief periods, it became my most treasured memory.

we stopped about a couple of blocks away from the train station. so we got out and start walking alongside the road. she was in front of me and I was right behind her. i noticed her umbrella had a broken spoke. she looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. at times, she drifted off the road and nearly got hit by the passing cars, she might be preoccupied with thoughts about things...about what she's doing and sorts..so i thought. what i wanted was to just take her in my arms, but i did nothing and swallowed every thought of it as the pain in my stomach doubled up and i endured everything up.

we passed by the park where we used to go on the way. it was the same park we used to go to when we were still together.

with begging eyes she asked if we could stay for a moment and promised to go home after it.

my cold heart softened to her begs but i did put up an annoyed face and walked in the park and sat there trying to looked very annoyed, with the manner that i want to leave while she went to the big oak tree was looking for something. i didn't dare ask what she was looking for, for i knew what it was. it was the inscription done with a silver ink pen half a year ago. if i remember correctly it says "tim and grace drank chocolate here and would love and cherish each other forever~" she was looking around for quite a while, then came back slowly with teary eyes and told me in between sobs "tim i can't find it...it's not there anymore.."

i felt so sour inside even the constant stream of pain flowed in my heart i pretend i didn't care and said, "are you through?..can we go now?"

i didn't wait for her reply and just stood and opened up my black umbrella. she just stood there hoping to find a chance and then just blurted "you made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? i know i can be so very unreasonable but i can change. you know that, so can we please start over?"

i just looked down and shooked my head and started walking again. i know she was crying as we walked towards the station. the silent night was drowned by the sound of raindrops as it falls on the wet pavement angulfing the silent cries of grace as we go along.

it happened four years ago, the day the doctor told me i had cancer. i though it was still curable that it made me hoped that i did found it earlier. i lived my life normally. i was assured that it was just benign and that it would go away. some things are too good to be true. that i was sure off due to that a month ago, my stomach was hurting badly for two weeks straight, and sudden nightmares awoke me again and again in a daily basis. i tried to endure the pain hoping for it to go away, but it grew stronger to the point that I can't bear it anymore like it was eating me all up inside. i went back to the doctor and took up diagnostics. the shocking and dreaded news cam slamming into my face as he showed me a black spot in my xray signifying that it progressed to a point that it can't be fixed anymore. i became so confused at the moment. i deny the facts and order the doctor to redo the tests again to prove him that this wasn't mine.they redo the test and came up with the same results. i became devastated. i became so depressed that i isolate myself to the people around me. i became so foolish and plan to commit suicide. i try to hide every intentions about it, especially to grace. the person i love the most. i hide the truth to her. grace is still young. she didn't have to go through this. so i made up stories and lied to her. i know it was a cruel thing to do. it broke her heart as mine did too, but i know i didn't have a long time left and it would be easy for it to be just gone even if i had to wipe out those three wonderful years of feelings with her. i know eventually if i undergo chemo that i would just prolong the pain and agony. i can't bear to see her cry every day for me, just because im weak and with this curse thats been eating every piece of me. i knew by now im close to succeeding and this drama would be over soon. after 30 minutes and this would all be over is all i had in mind.

by the time we got to the station, it was closed. there would be no more trains running so I called a taxi for her. as were just standing there waiting and wasting our last moments of togetherness in silence i removed my umbrella and started to cry. she hadn't notice the tears as the rain washed it away from my face.

i hailed a taxi coming from the east side, i held my tears and said to her, "take care of yourself. take good care of yourself."

she didn't answered and just nodded lightly and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out in the rain while i followed behind her. we became two seperate beings there. one red and black being a bit far away from each other. i opened the door for her and she got in. i close the door that would separate us forever. i stood by the car, staring at the dark window, overlooking the first love and would be the last love of my life. the car started moving towards the street but i couldn't hold my sorrow and twist in my heart any longer that i started chasing the moving taxi, waving my arms wildly and shouting for it to stop shouting cries of her name and of the things that i wanted to tell her for i know it would be the last time for me to say so. i wanted to tell her i love her, for her to stay, to tell her so much how badly i needed her comfort, her smile and every little thing, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. as warm tears kept flowing down my face as it blended with the cold rain drops. i became empty. i feel cold, like i died then and there.

she left, and i didn't get anymore of her calls even until today. for i know she didn't see my tears. for they were washed away by the rain. i left without regrets.

but this was not tim. this is grace. and this was the last piece of memory that tim and i shared. as i found his diary a month ago in his empty apartment where he was last seen. on his bed sleeping forever. and here i am now lying in the same bed and saying my final goodbye for i will see my beloved soon.

Nuff Said

at least i didn't whine or nag about what happen today right?

i think i heard you the first time but im really not buying it.

i have this thing going on...its not that really important or anything. im trying to speak my mind as hard and as loud as i can...though voicing your opinions to some may appear too nagging, whiny, or just typical annoying for some matter...well i hate to agree nor would i love to disagree but what the heck. everyone is entitled to their opinions. its just that there are things that i could choose for consideration. well almost at least. lol

then comes the annoying part. yeah the day is over. im still awake. you ask why. well you know damn well i wont answer truthfully. maybe im sick, i think i have insomnia..maybe im also an addict...im addicted to staying up late and just watch time flew by and see the darkness around my eyes that would gave me another round of applause. good job. you earned it!. maybe im tired too..tired of hearing the same crap daily. making me want to go out where in i dont have any idea where to get the funds for those wicked job hunting in the worse jungle ive ever been to. shook me up now..maybe my eyes are sleepy now...can you see me wooble when i walk? or do you notice how long i yawn? i saw you looking at your watch trying to count the seconds as i gasped for oxygen deeply...maybe im suffering from hypoxia..maybe not...another day comes...same shit..would it be better? i dont thinks so..not when my mind and mood where in this state...a state that i wont tell a soul why. am i procatinating something? do i feel bored. a quick yes. do you think im saying anything new. a quikcer no. i haven't even started on narrating my view about yesterday's start of my day. and then i think im just blabbering nonesense again and again..well what's new. like hell i care. im close to thinking that im having this as my own personal therapy.

am i close to being dilusional? not quite. am i a borderline neurotic? i realy have no idea. should i call a shrink? hell if i can pay someone to listen to me. i wont bother and take the hassle of consulting someone wherein fact i know what really is wrong with me.. is there really something wrong? do you think im making shit up? hmmm questions arises and i really enjoying just typing my mind out. *well voicing it out would be appropriate if i am speaking but im not and does it really matter now? by the time you came into this part of reading my very long introduction i think you just shaved a couple of precious minutes of your time wherein you can in fact should have put it on reading the news. listening to your LSS. communicating to your someone special or maybe just being alive and enjoying the midnight sun or the scorching moon. with all this bothering nonesense do you think i have a point that i need to pin point? that my friend is what you need to know and what i want to find out myself.


after all the shenanigans and blabbering warnings and hints that i gave you, yet you still continue to browse this rhetorical nonesense and literary oblivion that i myself dont know what it means. the frequent trains of thoughts have left me wandering last night and i think i miss the bus of thoughts too.. im really enjoying the turn of events as of now. let's see what would happen next as i wake up tomorrow....well that is if i DO wake up. -ciaosu

love is in the air...and i don't care

the thing is..i really don't haha..im not that bitter over the years that i spent valentines either with friends or just by myself, i really don't care..its just like any other day. a normal day for me aside from the many hassle of seeing people roam the streets hand in hand bearing bouquet of flowers and what nots everywhere...even the vendors roam the school grounds selling roses, choklets, dolls and whatnot..you're blocking the sidewalk mister kindly remove that bucket full of dilapidated roses from the cemetery...that's not nice hehe...and then there is a whole lot of mushy mushy tunes that raves the airwaves...retelling everyone that it is valentines day..."please sit back and unwind for the next tune is dedicate to the lovers that hails from (*insert place here) namely (*insert guy's name here or watever sort of endearment they call for each other) and (*same goes for the girl)..then *insert mushy tune here* hah! like i ker.

aside from the sidewalk monstrosity, mostly everywhere you go you would ought to find something with symbolics things ...paper cut out decorations, hanging shout outs of some sort, tarpaulins, banners and even people( im talking about the workers) dressing up for the occasion..well isn't that exciting?a valentine themed place for us to dine but we cant make out here maybe lets try the theater or something haha.. a valentine themed place thats been oozing for a month long maybe two (you can't put aside the pre valentines and the post valentines cant you?) oh i seem to forgot the valentine themed movies and the likes haha. everybody who is everybody knew and you don't? wth is that!?!? its like you miss forever dude..or so they say. well im not buying that whole lovey dovey crap that artists do just for the movie to sell wherein fact you knew that they are artists...its what they do..its what the're putting a hell lot of effort for..for them to earn. and for them to get attention. waw its like a bloody battle royale of whose loveteam shall last! be it dingdong-marian, kc-richard or piolo-angel, or even the unlikely tandem of sarah-john lloyd...(*basta ako pops and martin pa rin. haha) i mean i really have no issue for watever crap they want to sell..its like every romance movie has its own formula. they fight, they cry, there are the pasweety-tweety tums thing, the awful choreography and then the singing...great beard of zeus! that really is one annoying thing about it. well unless what you are watching is a musical then heck with the singing for that's what you will expect.

im kinda feeling my valentine-grinch feeling overwhelming now..seriously. well boo hoo for me to have not enjoy the day or night or watever for this occasion has to offer. i may find it overrated at some point but nonetheless it wouldn't kill for others to enjoy it. well just do it. just don't let me join you haha or you wouldn't like it. as i searched the net for something interesting i would like to give you all a hate letter :D im hoping you would find it interesting too.

1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."

*This is a love letter from a boy to a girl.. however, the girl's father does not like the boy and want them to stop seeing each other. and so knowing that the girl's father will definitely read the letter he told the girl to read only the odd numbers. well originally it was read between the lines..i assume he wrote it in a piece of paper wherein the ones in the odd numbers were placed in the spaces and the rest were in the lines get it? if you still don't then i may ask you to go ahead buy a piece of rope and tie it around your neck to ease the suffering

but what the heck is this for?? im just being fair. as i said it wouldn't kill me to at least nag and whine about my so called grouchy valentines day (*credit goes to baby cramqueencharliebee)

love nots

Just gReat!

you have to force yourself to get up to be early on the interview and wait for 2 hours for the interviewer to arrive only to found out that they dont need males for their staff... the discrimination is just great.. really great. thanks for wasting my time.

R u cereal????

i happen to get by sm megamall yesterday and i happen to overheard some very ecstatic woman talking to her friend...uttering the phrase " you know girl there's an imagination line here"...and i was like..whoah.... wth is that??? is it a space wherein when you get passed there vivid things would spurt out of nowhere and you will be in a somewhat trantic state hehe ...i thought an image of spongbob doing that rainbow thinggy with his hands ..."imagination".

maybe i was just bored that there...and i was close to blurt out "hey! you ispik fluid inglish too,... no kidney...you understanding???" that would be too cruel nonetheless .

ano ba ang epekto kung meron kang depekto

kung meron man o wala anu nman yun sayo?
kaya ka ba nandito dahil isa kang perpekto?
ang pagakakaalam ko e pareho lang tayo
wag kang mag angas kapal ng mukha mo

kita mo ba sa paningin ng ibang kilala mo
kasuklamsuklam na ang dulot nito sayo
wangis ng isang nagpupumilit maging demonyo
kasamaang walang patid , sagad hanggang buto

paano kaya kung ibaling ko ang mga ito sayo?
ng maranasan mo ang pait at sakit na dulot nito
kung isasantabi ko man ang aking napagisipang plano
makuha mo kayang tiisin ang mga sandali hanggang dulo?

kaya ano nga ba ang epekto kung di ka perpekto?
manatiling isang kaawa awang may depekto?
mag isip man ako ng tamang bagay na ipapayo
wala rin saysay yun kung para sa isang tulad mo

goodbye - the worst thing anyone can say to me

this was inspired by the song - people get really drunk in las vegas by size 14...

Let`s rock
Good-bye, the worst thing
That she could say to me
She`s now a brand new chapter
In my book of agony
Gonna hop on a Greyhound bus
Gonna get the fuck out of here
To a place that never closes
And there`s lots of beer
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
They get wasted out of their mind
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
But that`s where I`ll be spending my time
Last call, there is none
Keep drinkin` `til God knows when
And the licquor`s always free
As long as you pretend that you`re gambling
Bartender I`ll take another
Gonna wash that bitch right out of my hair
Gonna drink to life all over
I just don`t care
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
They get wasted out of their mind
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
But that`s where I`ll be spending my time
How do you think it feels
Throwing up on the roulette wheel
Whatever it takes to forget you
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
They get wasted out of their mind
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
But that`s where I`ll be spending my time
People get really drunk in Las Vegas
They get really drunk in Las Vegas
Really fucking drunk in Las Vegas
But that`s where I`ll be spending my time

how i wish i was in vegas

shape shifting monstrosity

i had a weird dream last night or better yet this morning...im not that sure if its due to the book that i read the time before i doze off or because im just really pissed about my brother wanting the lights to be shut off. anyhow back to the dream or nightmare or wateva, it started weird from the beginning..i was a freaking driver for a family i didnt know who runs or leads..it seems like a mafia and then came some of the henchmens..3 of them were guys and 1 is a female..all of them look silently sinister in a way..with glasses and all plus the black suits with red tie for the guys and red orange ones for the seductive and very deadly female. little did i know the time went by fast..as in very fast the next thing i knew i was driving them out for something in a cold night..into the abandoned asylum that i never heard of.. and then it was like i was told not to ask questions as they all went out of the black audi car..then something caught my eye as they shifted from their human form to something else...one became dog or wolf like thing i remembered he was don, then another became a black bear i forgot his name.. one became a bat a very big one it may seem like he's a size of a 5 year old toddler and the last one, marie became an eagle or it maybe a crow the size of an eagle the last one really creeps me out, although all of their eyes are blood red and they silently growl and maybe snarling for all i care yet i kinda seems to just let it go by unnoticed its like i am just a spectator and my body is on its own that day..what happen next was unexplanable..i just happen to be reading the newspaper to see that there were people who were inside that asylum..all found dead and every piece of their body were dismembered...a black bear died alongside those gruesomely scene. gossips and scandals were soaring across the media as everybody is talking about the massacre that happened. the next thing i knew was somebody new was being introduced to me...his eyes were like knives as his looks were like piercing everything i can sense the same bloodlust as i previously saw. nad he was a shape shifter too...darn..the hissing sound he made kinda blew the hint that he was one too..one of them.. a lot happen after all were a blur to me..what really sinked in was when i found out i was chained somewere and the three of the guys were guarding me..i also noticed that i am beaten to a pulp now...it felt hot. like i was taking a hot shower..although that shower was my blood..my eyes were nearly close as i saw the three shape shifting bastards who i think was the reason behind my condition smiling wickedly and sinister like..especially the new one.. he explained that he was the reason why the bear got killed and the other two just laugh as he was retelling the story.. the laughing ended when we all hear something...it was like a shriek cry of some sort...i then realized it was the lady eagle.. the looks on all of them suddenly change and became different..the mood has change and now they became alert and angry..the bat and the wolf like thing went out to look for the intruder and the new one just stay and sat down near me...he sat down as boastful as he can be and just waited...he somewhat knew that the two who went out wouldnt be enough to handle the intruder..then came the moment when the two have met..the fight would start by any minute or second now...the guy morphed into a snake..a big cobra..a venomous black cobra ready to strike anytime and the other a huge eagle...her wings flapped and a sudden gust of wind rushed..and a serious aura of bloodlust can be felt from the two of them...they were very alert and ready to strike and they look like they both are waiting for the other to make a move..and then...just when they both rushed in to fight head on...i woke up..damn.

nagsimula sa wala

waw so hindi sya english ngayon..pakness...di rin sya tulang makatha or maikling kwento per kung babasahin mo man o hindi bahala ka na ..kung pananatiliin mo pa rin ang pagbasa mo nito e malamang nkalipas na ang ilang minuto pero sige ka pa rin syempre...sa simula pa lang nman e wala naman talaga akong nais banggitin o ihayag na kwento ng buhay ko or maganda o mabuting nangyari sa araw na ito...ooops erase erase erase madaling araw na pala kasi lampas hating gabi na at syempre heto na naman ang walang kawenta wenta at kalatoy latoy na babasahin na naiblog ko..bakit ko ba to nasulat? wala lang akong magawa trip ko...pake mo...kung gusto mo pumalag may comment page nman jan sa baba ilagay mo ung saloobin mo kung swerte ka malamang magreply ako..pero malaki rin ang pagkakataong babasahin ko lang yun...then thats it...ooops english un a..banyagang salita...tagalog theme nga pala ako pakshet ulit theme - tema pala dapat...so once again once more pakshet..ayoko na kailangan ko ng magpaghinga at mananaginip pa ko ng gising bukas bka sakalaing meron na ko ulit maisip na gawin para di nman parating ganito ang takbo ng utak at ng araw ko.. sa uulitn

-bow-

away to the heart now

i spent the last minutes of my so called morning watching you
mesmerize by the looks from your eyes left me wondering
am i worth to be taking so much of her precious time
but the sight of her is so much intoxicating

i stare directly in her eyes
and then came her beautiful smiles
making her eyes more radiant than it usually were
its like im viewing heaven and im flying up above in the air

would i stay up late just to find you here again
and bidding you goodnight as you sleep
treasuring every moment just to see
you smiling back to me

Rain

the clouds grew darker as minutes pass by
knowing any time drops of rain will touch me
following a series of sounds as raindrops fall on my hand
making me feel the cold cries of my dark clouds

the cold sends shivers down my spine
the feeling i detest from time to time
embracing it within as i try not to cry
another wasted moment as i let it pass by

Hurricane - A Murder of Crows

Hurricane - A murder of Crows

Lyrics:



Wind and rain, the storm will wash

All the pain

Flooding up everything will never

Spare a living thing

Tonight



Hurricane

Come and take me away

All the lies you’ve said

Almost got into my head that night



* All these years I’ve denied myself

of what I really am

this is what I want and what you hate

But I don’t give a damn

Expecting all the pieces fall

Exactly into place

What I’ve built is crumbling



Crashing hail will waste the fort

That you made

All the lies you’ve said almost

Got into my head

That night



Hurricane

Come and take me away

All the lies you’ve said

Almost got into my head that night

shaking me up

its five minutes till midnight last night, i really dont know what to do.. at one part of my mind im wondering how am i going to keep still while on the other im struggling to move on ahead.. its a very frustrating time whenever im in that mood..i resolve to just close my eyes and rethink of anything good or can be considered good that happened to me in the past few weeks..results?? dont even think about it..no matter what i do even it really makes my day at the end of it all it doesnt..its like im happy but no...not really..so shook me up...away from nothingness...away from all these frustrations...

as the clock strikes twleve

so this is what they meant by growing old

i don't feel a thing nor a remorse

about the things that happen pass by me

these are some of the things that I have been told

as i watched the clock struck at midnight

just minutes after reading the twilight

a weird feeling went through me

as if it was the wind’s voice calling me

nevertheless i shook the tension and move

from my place i walk where i stood

wondering what that feeling was, i brood

and falter over things that I need to prove

i never thought that i would lose

over a battle that hasn’t even started

yet I shrug it off without an ease

cause i don’t want you to be please

*ps - today's supposed to be my birthday yet it really feels like an ordinary day..really for those who would bother with gifts im really looking forward to it lol i will be accepting gifts in the form of clothing, money, gift checks, checks, food, can goods, rice, and most importantly- in kind *wink