please do not read

little by little its beginning to engulf yourself...as you try to make a fool out of yourself pretending to be someone else who in turn really doesn't make you happy but you think will be acceptable to others...such stupidity sometimes happen..shit do happens. but nevertheless we try and cope up with the changes that the tides bring. people try to view something from their dreams and try to discriminate the real world for not having to see something that they saw, felt and want from their dreams...for their lives are driven by fantasy.i'm not saying that having a dream is wrong. what i mean is - living a dream would not be a bad idea...but do not discriminate the world for being so cold. you don't own the world for crying out loud, you're just visiting, same as i am. we have our own purpose here, we may not be here for so long yet we must do what we are capable of doing, but, be wise, for all your actions have consequences..you have to be responsible for your own actions...

grabbing the opportunity for life to start anew, that would be great, i would have lived my life differently but i may miss the people who have crossed the path that i previously chose so in turn i may wished that i should have stayed on this track,whatever life hinders to block my path i don't care, as long as things that i'm used to are there, it doesn't matter...they are there...i can spend my life to the fullest, i accepted my fate. if dying today will be my destiny who knows.. my only regret is that if i die, i only hope that i may have the chance to say goodbye to those i will be leaving behind.

--in times when my sorrow comes i want you to guide me in a way that my life would not be left astray.

looking through a dead end.

have you ever look back at the things that been quite bugging you recently?

i know i have traveled this world as much as my feet goes..

you have too...

and what bothers me is that for every step i make...

i started to notice that the things that were so close to me are beginning to fall out of place..

though subconsciously you're losing the important things in your life one by one.. its doesn't stop there..

it persist like some kind of obsessive psychopath trying to murder someone due to some worship-like adoration of sorts..

but hope still lingers somewhere...

in the farthest corner of my mind i know a light may shine..

it should be there..

but why?

to save me?

to find my way home?

maybe to end it all...

i don't know..

the madness is still inside that i would have to force my way out of it for a while or maybe some distraction would help.

being busy, listening to some crap... reading a timeless novel...

listening to music to soothe your soul...

there are millions of things left to be done...

if your mind can't cope up with changes..

you might as well be dead.

for you are useless..

i don't blame you though.,..

i know we all have purposes here on this planet.

you may not know what it suppose to be for you don't ask.

the greatest foolishness of a man is not asking about things..

they rely on ignorance as an escape goat for their foolishness

if they want to learn...

it is better to ask.

my thoughts are floating now..

my mind skips from one topic to another,,,

it is meant to be that way..

nobody forces you to keep on reading....

yet you still do.

you are like me..

you thrive for this nonsense.

you want closure on things you know that not worth your time...

and you've wasted enough time already...

only to find that the ending...

is not yet through....

silence is inevitable

wired against the wall

with its thorns wrapped around me

i'm kept still no way to move at all

bound by silence yet it still flows in me

shall i write to you my love?

is it lost fallen somewhere in the ground?

am i being punished from above?

or am i just waiting to be found?

untie my burden that kept me from returning

one last time, it's you that i shall be haunting

memories from deep inside are still hurting

it seems to be silent yet its clearly shouting

in vain shall i be mourning

can't help for tears to fall

i'm rolling, tossing and turning

in the end, does it matter at all?

now i hide in masks of different hue

only to be found that i'm hurting just like you

shall i cease to exist if i fail to remember

or will i forget and make it prosper

i am complicated that i know

it's all i am, got nowhere to go

if i find a piece of my conscience

shall i make it whole finding its essence?

though i know you have stopped me before

from raising my voice to end your stupidity

alas you have heard me well and with vigor

i'll slap you with words but with no profanity

i can still write my name in a shore

the tides may washed it away but at least i'm relieved

i know i have done it before

so i still have to believe...

dreaming of endless silence so it seems..

i can either run away as darkness dims

run and never look, for something is lurking in the dark

until i find the courage to stay and fight my way back.

this will be the beginning of another day

for tomorrow i will fight and seize it anyway

but in reality i know i'm just drifting away..

drifting away...

drifting away.

the tune of the wind

come at me..

feel me breathe...

embrace my body as your caress my soul...

lift me up and then let me go...

take my woes, take my sorrows...

leave them be beneath the gallows...

and soon my mind will be free

as the wind will carry me.

On sadness, pretention and faith

seeking my memories
from this vast ocean of sadness
following the waves of lies..
in the end i was alone

the time that i'm drifting
and shaking from coldness
i feel numb and blue
should i wait for you

this time i'll find
the memories left behind
this time i'll find
the truth beneath all these lies

in time i will find..
in time i will be fine.,
so wait for me..
this time.

=========================

the memories shaking from all the lies that you keep
should i worry for every moment that you speak?
that for every word i hear from you i cry... i weep
mourning each time cause i know deep down i'm weak

still i listen, i know my heart wont break
but in every time in every way my heart aches
the sorrows i'm reaping i know i must endure
ill stay strong for me to find the cure

it's past midnight and still i'm awake
should i sleep now for my sake?
i feel shallow and empty at the end of the day
hoping this feeling would go away

why do i lie everyday to people i meet?
pretending i'm alright when i know i'm not
should i smile and speak every time i greet?
wasting this moment that i should keep

=============================

i am a great pretender
i know what i am
i wear mask of different emotions
to hide what i feel
for them to stay away

am i wrong for disbelieving
these thoughts that haunt me when i am sleeping
should i wake on time and start preparing
for i know in time that i should be really leaving,.

==================================

come find me, i am lost
in this vast horizon of dreams
i look for the one who can see me
in reality or so it seems..

come look for me, i'm still here
i've got nowhere to run and i'm not hiding
i stay standing still and waiting
they seem so far and blurry yet so near and clear

go forward and don't look behind
for i know deep inside i'll survive
keep on searching and you will find
the reason for me to be alive.

in this moment all seems to be so clear
i know for one all will be near
the search for truth i am still looking
no matter where i look ill be back here.

mending sorrows in stillness of the night

here i am once again
thinking aloud as if in pain
finding answers to questions i presume
will take more time not a minute too soon

shall i make my own decisions?
or keep on prying for others opinions?
would i find a way out of here
i feel lost looking for a way in

still i search for truths beneath the lies
in moments of trials i endure and lie
saving up some strength to go on learning
keeping promises to the one whose deserving

to say what i think is right
and hide the secrets i keep
towards the sunlight i await
in darkness where my dreams sleep

finding serenity while being alone
through repentance of sins that i atone
for the hearts i did once broke
slap my conscience till it woke

to everyone who knows this
i shout my praises to you
to some who feels the same
i share the compassion you feel too

goodbye my almost lover

should i expect the pieces to fall into place?
or should i let them take another course?
shall i remove that sad look on your face?
for you to hurt me again without remorse?

maybe i could stay here by your side
for you to be happy and see your smile
i will fight the waves and break the tide
for me to get to you even just for a while

but all of this were of no use to you
for the feelings that i own have no value
warped by the idea of you loving me too
and the sad reality that my time is due

i wait for some time for these feelings to subside
tranquility didn't come no matter how hard i've tried
i pity myself for being weak and useless
for now i leave myself numb and in distress

so goodbye my almost lover, i hope this is the last
if ever you found my letter i hope you wont let it pass
as much as i want this not to end but i know it wont do
for being with me is the least that you want to

*i have made this entry last sept. 9, 2009 at 12:37pm

Mga naiwang agam agam ng nakaraan (unang buslo..sablay)

habang naghahalungkat ako ng mga dadalhin ko para sa volunteer duty ko, kagabi ay may mga hindi sinasadya akong nakitang mga dokumento na kung aking sisipating mabuti ay ating malalaman na ito ay mga kasinungalingang lamang (okok) haha

ito ang aking nakalap na impormasyon ukol sa nasabing mga kasinungalingan (okok).

mga pananaw ukol *sa akin* mula sa aking kamag-aral ng ikaapat na antas sa haiskul.

POSITIBO

-magaling sa math -4
-good friend -2
-mabait -27
-nanlilibre
-kalog -4
-palatawa-2
-nakakatuwa -4
-"gentleman"
-tahimik -9
-marunong sa klase/matalino -7
-"thoughtful"-2
-magaling mag-drawing
-madaling pakisamahan/kausapin/pakiusapan -7
-magaling magcounter-strike
-masayahin-2
-matulungin-3
-simple-3
-palabiro
-di madamot
-oks lang-4
-understanding
-makulit-3
-kwela
-totoong kaibigan-2
-friendly-5
-masayang kasama
-may sense of humor -2
-ok/kwelang kasama
-cool
-mapagbigay
-sweet
-cute
-swabeng sumayaw


NEGATIBO
-pikon-4
-mapang-asar-7 (sc ng isa: pero ok lang)
-nasa loob ang kulo-2
-torpe* -4
-wala -5 = (sidecomment ng isa: technicolor kasi yan)
-kumag
-mayabang
-no comment -6
-madaldal
-makulit -3
-mabait ba o madamot ka? (confused?)/ i don't know
-masungit
-nakakapikon kapag nangaasar ng wala sa lugar
-mahilig manghiram di naman binabalik*
-careless*
-baboy sa sarili*
-tamad habambuhay*
-1 drug addict*
-minsan corny
-nagpadala ng bastos na text message (sc: haha naalala ko to wrong send e)
-bungisngis
-tamad magkulay(sa drawing)
-di kami masyadong close/di pa kilala
-"seryoso"
-minsan weird

*galing sa iisang tao lang(laki ata ng galit sakin nitong taong to haha)

**Ibang sidecomment na mahaba at hindi bullet-type**
~"Tahimik siya nang unang dating pero ng tumagal ay nahawa rin. Maingay na ngayon. Hindi gaanong mayabang slight lang. madali siyang pakiusapan kapag mabait ka sa kanya, kung hindi 'Better luck next time'". "SIMPLE - totoy MAGISIP"
~"Mabait. Okey makisama. matalino. Simple lang! Sometimes nakakatakot magalit kasi masyadong mabait! But infairness ha, bagay kayo ni *****! Uuuy! That's all!!"
~"mabait!!?, thoughtful! grabe di kita mareach!.. keep up 'd good work. no comment la ko ma-say..."
~"cute ka kaso you don't know how to yourself as a grown up man. sweet ka rin sana but you always put it in a way of 'biro' And ang pinaka naaappreciate ko sa'yo is yung pag-a-approach mo sa'kin parati, yung pagpapangiti mo sa'kin."
~"ikaw, alam mo ang lakas mong mang-asar at talagang pikon na pikon na ko sayo. ang sarap mong sapakin 'pag nang-aalaska ka. Pero nakikita ko sa'yo mabait ka at mapagbigay at saka masarap kasama."

naweirduhan ako sa mga nagsabi na ako ay "smiling face" parehong meron sa positibo at negatibo pa (doh)


may 2 kasunod pa to. baka sakaling sipagin ako e gawan ko na lang ng scanned image yung 2. kasi mas convinient (okok) pero kayo na ang maghusga kung totoo ba ito o kathang isip lamang.
(pwede magpascan sa inyo? haha)

revealing the truth to ourselves, isn't that bitter-sweet?