Its been raining for quite some time this week. so much rain that it makes all moods gloomy and i feel so restless. i can hear my phone ringing. i know its her. the pattern can now be counted as a routine now. she called and said she was coming here. it was the third time this week so i noticed. i know arguing would not help for i know she was already there waiting. in a gloomy rainy monday, i picked up my black umbrella and went up to the nearest 7-11 in my block. she was waiting outside holding her red umbrella. she said her friend had dropped her off. it was raining still and the wind blows every now and then and i can see her shriveling in the cold wind's air. she looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing clothes not enough to keep her warm.
i walked up to her and said, "you shouldn't come here to see me anymore" and other stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
but she answered me with those three words and said, "I miss you."
i put it aside and told her coldly,"lets go, i'll take you home now."
she didn't open up her umbrella, its like i can see in her eyes how she wished to share just one umbrella.
i said, "open up your umbrella, we're going."
unwillingly, she opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. she tried to speak up, hesitated but then said that she hadn't eaten up lunch or anything yet and asked if we can go somewhere to eat.
right away I answered with a stoned heart, "no!"
with a disappointed look on her face she asked me to take her to the train station instead. she said she would just ride the train back home. i didn't nod or answer and just drove my way to the train station and the conversation ended.
maybe it was the rain, or i didn't notice that it was just rush hour but the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. we waited for quite some time and waited still. then i glimpsed at her only to found out hat she is looking at me innocently. being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. i can understand how she felt coming all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. with her soft eyes staring at me, i can feel the guilt eating me that it nearly wanted me to speak to her to stay up for the night.
but reality struck again and i coldly told her, "let's go try the other train station."
as we were driving to the next station a flashback crossed my mind. we were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. back then there are four of us that got along well. most of the the time we would enjoy doing the same activities like eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go out camping. we were more like a family, but it didn't occur to me that i would end up falling for her. it happened during the last year of college, having lived together under the same roof for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. but after she graduated, she went back home while i stayed for one more year to finish school. but it didn't stopped me from seeing her even though i know that taking a long trip by means of train is the only way of being with her. though we only met for brief periods, it became my most treasured memory.
we stopped about a couple of blocks away from the train station. so we got out and start walking alongside the road. she was in front of me and I was right behind her. i noticed her umbrella had a broken spoke. she looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. at times, she drifted off the road and nearly got hit by the passing cars, she might be preoccupied with thoughts about things...about what she's doing and sorts..so i thought. what i wanted was to just take her in my arms, but i did nothing and swallowed every thought of it as the pain in my stomach doubled up and i endured everything up.
we passed by the park where we used to go on the way. it was the same park we used to go to when we were still together.
with begging eyes she asked if we could stay for a moment and promised to go home after it.
my cold heart softened to her begs but i did put up an annoyed face and walked in the park and sat there trying to looked very annoyed, with the manner that i want to leave while she went to the big oak tree was looking for something. i didn't dare ask what she was looking for, for i knew what it was. it was the inscription done with a silver ink pen half a year ago. if i remember correctly it says "tim and grace drank chocolate here and would love and cherish each other forever~" she was looking around for quite a while, then came back slowly with teary eyes and told me in between sobs "tim i can't find it...it's not there anymore.."
i felt so sour inside even the constant stream of pain flowed in my heart i pretend i didn't care and said, "are you through?..can we go now?"
i didn't wait for her reply and just stood and opened up my black umbrella. she just stood there hoping to find a chance and then just blurted "you made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? i know i can be so very unreasonable but i can change. you know that, so can we please start over?"
i just looked down and shooked my head and started walking again. i know she was crying as we walked towards the station. the silent night was drowned by the sound of raindrops as it falls on the wet pavement angulfing the silent cries of grace as we go along.
it happened four years ago, the day the doctor told me i had cancer. i though it was still curable that it made me hoped that i did found it earlier. i lived my life normally. i was assured that it was just benign and that it would go away. some things are too good to be true. that i was sure off due to that a month ago, my stomach was hurting badly for two weeks straight, and sudden nightmares awoke me again and again in a daily basis. i tried to endure the pain hoping for it to go away, but it grew stronger to the point that I can't bear it anymore like it was eating me all up inside. i went back to the doctor and took up diagnostics. the shocking and dreaded news cam slamming into my face as he showed me a black spot in my xray signifying that it progressed to a point that it can't be fixed anymore. i became so confused at the moment. i deny the facts and order the doctor to redo the tests again to prove him that this wasn't mine.they redo the test and came up with the same results. i became devastated. i became so depressed that i isolate myself to the people around me. i became so foolish and plan to commit suicide. i try to hide every intentions about it, especially to grace. the person i love the most. i hide the truth to her. grace is still young. she didn't have to go through this. so i made up stories and lied to her. i know it was a cruel thing to do. it broke her heart as mine did too, but i know i didn't have a long time left and it would be easy for it to be just gone even if i had to wipe out those three wonderful years of feelings with her. i know eventually if i undergo chemo that i would just prolong the pain and agony. i can't bear to see her cry every day for me, just because im weak and with this curse thats been eating every piece of me. i knew by now im close to succeeding and this drama would be over soon. after 30 minutes and this would all be over is all i had in mind.
by the time we got to the station, it was closed. there would be no more trains running so I called a taxi for her. as were just standing there waiting and wasting our last moments of togetherness in silence i removed my umbrella and started to cry. she hadn't notice the tears as the rain washed it away from my face.
i hailed a taxi coming from the east side, i held my tears and said to her, "take care of yourself. take good care of yourself."
she didn't answered and just nodded lightly and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out in the rain while i followed behind her. we became two seperate beings there. one red and black being a bit far away from each other. i opened the door for her and she got in. i close the door that would separate us forever. i stood by the car, staring at the dark window, overlooking the first love and would be the last love of my life. the car started moving towards the street but i couldn't hold my sorrow and twist in my heart any longer that i started chasing the moving taxi, waving my arms wildly and shouting for it to stop shouting cries of her name and of the things that i wanted to tell her for i know it would be the last time for me to say so. i wanted to tell her i love her, for her to stay, to tell her so much how badly i needed her comfort, her smile and every little thing, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. as warm tears kept flowing down my face as it blended with the cold rain drops. i became empty. i feel cold, like i died then and there.
she left, and i didn't get anymore of her calls even until today. for i know she didn't see my tears. for they were washed away by the rain. i left without regrets.
but this was not tim. this is grace. and this was the last piece of memory that tim and i shared. as i found his diary a month ago in his empty apartment where he was last seen. on his bed sleeping forever. and here i am now lying in the same bed and saying my final goodbye for i will see my beloved soon.
i walked up to her and said, "you shouldn't come here to see me anymore" and other stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
but she answered me with those three words and said, "I miss you."
i put it aside and told her coldly,"lets go, i'll take you home now."
she didn't open up her umbrella, its like i can see in her eyes how she wished to share just one umbrella.
i said, "open up your umbrella, we're going."
unwillingly, she opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. she tried to speak up, hesitated but then said that she hadn't eaten up lunch or anything yet and asked if we can go somewhere to eat.
right away I answered with a stoned heart, "no!"
with a disappointed look on her face she asked me to take her to the train station instead. she said she would just ride the train back home. i didn't nod or answer and just drove my way to the train station and the conversation ended.
maybe it was the rain, or i didn't notice that it was just rush hour but the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. we waited for quite some time and waited still. then i glimpsed at her only to found out hat she is looking at me innocently. being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. i can understand how she felt coming all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. with her soft eyes staring at me, i can feel the guilt eating me that it nearly wanted me to speak to her to stay up for the night.
but reality struck again and i coldly told her, "let's go try the other train station."
as we were driving to the next station a flashback crossed my mind. we were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. back then there are four of us that got along well. most of the the time we would enjoy doing the same activities like eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go out camping. we were more like a family, but it didn't occur to me that i would end up falling for her. it happened during the last year of college, having lived together under the same roof for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. but after she graduated, she went back home while i stayed for one more year to finish school. but it didn't stopped me from seeing her even though i know that taking a long trip by means of train is the only way of being with her. though we only met for brief periods, it became my most treasured memory.
we stopped about a couple of blocks away from the train station. so we got out and start walking alongside the road. she was in front of me and I was right behind her. i noticed her umbrella had a broken spoke. she looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. at times, she drifted off the road and nearly got hit by the passing cars, she might be preoccupied with thoughts about things...about what she's doing and sorts..so i thought. what i wanted was to just take her in my arms, but i did nothing and swallowed every thought of it as the pain in my stomach doubled up and i endured everything up.
we passed by the park where we used to go on the way. it was the same park we used to go to when we were still together.
with begging eyes she asked if we could stay for a moment and promised to go home after it.
my cold heart softened to her begs but i did put up an annoyed face and walked in the park and sat there trying to looked very annoyed, with the manner that i want to leave while she went to the big oak tree was looking for something. i didn't dare ask what she was looking for, for i knew what it was. it was the inscription done with a silver ink pen half a year ago. if i remember correctly it says "tim and grace drank chocolate here and would love and cherish each other forever~" she was looking around for quite a while, then came back slowly with teary eyes and told me in between sobs "tim i can't find it...it's not there anymore.."
i felt so sour inside even the constant stream of pain flowed in my heart i pretend i didn't care and said, "are you through?..can we go now?"
i didn't wait for her reply and just stood and opened up my black umbrella. she just stood there hoping to find a chance and then just blurted "you made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? i know i can be so very unreasonable but i can change. you know that, so can we please start over?"
i just looked down and shooked my head and started walking again. i know she was crying as we walked towards the station. the silent night was drowned by the sound of raindrops as it falls on the wet pavement angulfing the silent cries of grace as we go along.
it happened four years ago, the day the doctor told me i had cancer. i though it was still curable that it made me hoped that i did found it earlier. i lived my life normally. i was assured that it was just benign and that it would go away. some things are too good to be true. that i was sure off due to that a month ago, my stomach was hurting badly for two weeks straight, and sudden nightmares awoke me again and again in a daily basis. i tried to endure the pain hoping for it to go away, but it grew stronger to the point that I can't bear it anymore like it was eating me all up inside. i went back to the doctor and took up diagnostics. the shocking and dreaded news cam slamming into my face as he showed me a black spot in my xray signifying that it progressed to a point that it can't be fixed anymore. i became so confused at the moment. i deny the facts and order the doctor to redo the tests again to prove him that this wasn't mine.they redo the test and came up with the same results. i became devastated. i became so depressed that i isolate myself to the people around me. i became so foolish and plan to commit suicide. i try to hide every intentions about it, especially to grace. the person i love the most. i hide the truth to her. grace is still young. she didn't have to go through this. so i made up stories and lied to her. i know it was a cruel thing to do. it broke her heart as mine did too, but i know i didn't have a long time left and it would be easy for it to be just gone even if i had to wipe out those three wonderful years of feelings with her. i know eventually if i undergo chemo that i would just prolong the pain and agony. i can't bear to see her cry every day for me, just because im weak and with this curse thats been eating every piece of me. i knew by now im close to succeeding and this drama would be over soon. after 30 minutes and this would all be over is all i had in mind.
by the time we got to the station, it was closed. there would be no more trains running so I called a taxi for her. as were just standing there waiting and wasting our last moments of togetherness in silence i removed my umbrella and started to cry. she hadn't notice the tears as the rain washed it away from my face.
i hailed a taxi coming from the east side, i held my tears and said to her, "take care of yourself. take good care of yourself."
she didn't answered and just nodded lightly and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out in the rain while i followed behind her. we became two seperate beings there. one red and black being a bit far away from each other. i opened the door for her and she got in. i close the door that would separate us forever. i stood by the car, staring at the dark window, overlooking the first love and would be the last love of my life. the car started moving towards the street but i couldn't hold my sorrow and twist in my heart any longer that i started chasing the moving taxi, waving my arms wildly and shouting for it to stop shouting cries of her name and of the things that i wanted to tell her for i know it would be the last time for me to say so. i wanted to tell her i love her, for her to stay, to tell her so much how badly i needed her comfort, her smile and every little thing, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. as warm tears kept flowing down my face as it blended with the cold rain drops. i became empty. i feel cold, like i died then and there.
she left, and i didn't get anymore of her calls even until today. for i know she didn't see my tears. for they were washed away by the rain. i left without regrets.
but this was not tim. this is grace. and this was the last piece of memory that tim and i shared. as i found his diary a month ago in his empty apartment where he was last seen. on his bed sleeping forever. and here i am now lying in the same bed and saying my final goodbye for i will see my beloved soon.
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