biglaan

sa isang iglap natagpuan ko ang sarili kong nakatulala at di kumikilos. nakapagtatakang gawin ko ang bagay na ito. para akong inaatake sa puso. naninikip ang dibdib ko. di ako makakilos. gising ang diwa ko. alam ko ang nangyayari sa paligid ko. napapakinggan ko pa rin ang tunog mula sa headset ko. buhay pa ako. buti naman. pero madaming tanong na bumabalot sa isip ko. bakit ako parang tuod. bakit nakikita ko ang sarili kong nakatitig lang sa harap ng monitor. parang ang layo ng tinitignan. parang nakatulala sa kawalan. gusto kong yugyugin ang sarili ko. gisingin ang sarili baka isa lamang tong panaginip. pero hindi ito isang panaginip. nanikip ulit ang dibdib ko. tinangka kong lingunin ang oras parang di pa lumilipas ang isang minuto pero parang pakiramdam ko ilang oras na akong nakapako sa kinauupuan ko. tinititigang mabuti ang mga bawat letrang lumalabas sa screen kung saan di ko pansin na tuloy tuloy lang ang aking mga daliri sa pagsalat at pagpindot ng mga letra sa keyboard. di ko pa rin lubos maisip bakit ko ginagawa to. bakit tuloy pa rin ang pagsikip ng dibdib ko? bakit wala akong ginagawa upang ibsan ang sakit na ito? kathang isip ko lang ba ang sakit? pero bakit parang namamanhid na rin ang mga braso ko? nagsisimula ng magdilim ang paningin ko. sa ilang saglit lang e parang nagunita ko na ang mga susunod na mga mangyayari. ito na ba lahat yun? muli kong binalikan lahat ng mga alaala ng aking nakalipas. binabalikbalikan ko ang mga kayang alalahanin ng isipan ko. natanong ko ulit ang - bakit? dito na lang nagtatapos ang lahat? bakit parang bumibigat lalo ang laman ng dibdib ko? bumabagal na ang aking paghinga. limang minuto pa lang ang nakakalipas. unti unti kong  napansing bumabagsak ang sarili ko. mabagal. bakit parang ang tagal ng bawat sandali pero parang ilang oras na kong nakalublob sa tubig.  hindi na pala ako makahinga. wala man lang akong lakas para hawakan man lang ang dibdib kong naninikip o pwersa para ibuka ang bibig ko upang sumigaw at humingi ng saklolo. at dun natapos ang lahat. sa panahon na lumagapak ang walang buhay kong katawan sa harapan ng aking kinauupuan. isang maingay na pagbagsak kasunod ng nakakabinging katahimikan. inabot lang ng mahigit labing limang minuto ang lahat ng nangyari na parang pitong oras ang itinagal.hindi na nasundan ang mga pangyayari pagtapos nun...

last 3 words

i'm sorry..

i worry so much
for me being selfish
for i cry and long for you
even though i can't be with you

...yet


i hurt you,

it's my fault i admit it
that we are in this gloomy fit
the damage has been made
and tears have been shed


i apologize...

for thinking about you so much
for i look forward for your touch
that we had to argue and fight
for giving you restless night


i'm sorry

that i have to say sorry again and again
making me look that i'm close to being insane
but there is one thing that i wouldn't say sorry to
it is for the feeling that i love you..

how do i mend the wounds?

i was a fool to ever thought of hurting you.
although the intention was not entirely about meaning what i said.
i know now that i should be wary of the things that i will say to you. 
now i fall into a deep abyss of loneliness and regret.

i need you..
i want you here..

cause i'm afraid to lose you.
i'm sorry but i wouldn't want you to leave.
call me selfish or whatever.



just stay.

please?

with a touch of melancholy

"lost, wanting to find, love that has gone out of reach"

~Outlet 1 - fuseboxx                                                         

would i watch the curtains fall? i know this isn't over.. not yet it is. i still cling on to the thought that there would come a time that we will both watch the sun rise from the horizon and watch as it settles and rest in dawn. till i  see your silhouette from a distance as you come near me and we prepare to embark our journey for another day. 

i feel melancholic.

i would lie if i appear that i am alright. pretending has it's perk at times. other people doesn't seem to notice how much my heart aches as day pass by quick. it pass by so fast without you. i would trade half of what i have to get back on the days and moments that we spend time together. though fate and distance can be so cruel that it contradicts on what we want and wished for. 

all will be fine soon.

i keep remembering those words as it lingers in the back of my worry filled mind. i'm such a worry-wart. it sucks to be this way. i keep telling myself to be patient and wait. wait until everything is alright and ready. until there are no more hindrances in the way. such an optimistic way of seeing things. i can do that. but would you forgive for times that i fail to do this and entertain pessimistic thoughts of having the thought of losing you. i can't seem to bear that thought. 

for i have lost so many things in my life recently. i don't plan on including you in that part. not now. not ever..

absence makes the heart grow fonder

so i hope and pray every waking day and before i rest my weary eyes that you be safe and well. love hasn't gone out of reach. as far as i can see. thoughts of you grow fonder still, in spite of your absence.

until later my love..

the dilemma

it is when you found yourself asking

"am i not good enough for you?"